Confession: I’m a sometimes health freak. An aspirational vegan/paleo-type that lectures to others on the (many) merits of coconut oil, macadamia nuts and chia seeds. I do this both because it’s helpful and because it’s interesting. Also, you’ll feel ah-mazing. I feel ah-mazing right now and I’ve been subsisting on baked cardboard and pretend milk for three weeks. I am the quintessential evangelical dietary bandwagon jumper.
You’d be forgiven for thinking I have allergies; I order gluten free bread and buy gluten free cereal. And no, I don’t know what gluten is but I believe it to be terribly bloating. I’m very attached to the idea of bloating, you see; it’s far more appealing than being ‘tubby’ or having a muffin top.
My latest is sugar free. It’s the new Dukan (which was the new Atkins). Sceptical? That’s ok, I’m accustomed to Conversations With Doubters:
Me: Seriously, I feel fantastic since I swore off sugar. So much energy, it’s unbelievable.
Doubter: Ok, if you feel so fantastic why don’t you just shut up about it?
Me: Just spreading the word! Look at my skin. Uugh, I die for skin like this.
And:
Me: Nope, nothing white – too processed – and nothing sweet, including fruit.
Doubter: But surely fruit is natural, you can eat fruit.
Me: Mmm… you don’t know. Rats have died in experiments. It’s more addictive than cocaine! Arsenic is natural! We don’t eat arsenic! Sugar will be the tobacco of our times!
But, in my defence, it’s a hobby! I genuinely like organic health food shops and activating nuts. It’s not all about being (lording) virtuous-ness, it’s also the search for the most delicious, decadent foods within set healthy (‘healthy’?), guilt-free parameters. Meaning: it’s license to fry large quantities of haloumi cheese in the sandwich press at work. Or cook stuff in bacon fat.
Oh, and I feel amazing. Did I say that? Ah-mazing.
