My Dad’s partner came into our lives as a result of my mother dying. My Dad met her when we (my brother and I) were in our early twenties, so we didn’t need any mothering, and she is not really the mothering kind. That’s not to say she’s cold/standoffish/evil-stepmother-esque – no, no, she gives hugs, kisses, and gifts at birthdays and Christmases – it’s just that she’s into her stuff, like my father is into his stuff, and I think that’s why their relationship works…
It can’t have been easy coming into a family that was paining so much. She wasn’t resented, just not really welcomed. ‘Neutral’ I guess, is a good word. We were all severely grief stricken back then, whether we knew it or not. My plight was (and still is) a dream that Mum miraculously recovers from her cancer, but then dies again. I always wake up crying, which is quite embarrassing. I’m not sure what afflicts my brother and father – they’re quite private, but I imagine it’s similar. Anyway, the way she’s handled us, and our mess, has been a true testament to her. She was met by a family that had closed, hurting hearts, and that didn’t offer her a ‘position’ to fill. Instead, she’s made her own, and did it subtly, without toe-stepping.
Still to this day she doesn’t get invited to any of my mother’s family’s things, and she never asks to be. Selfishly, I’m grateful for this. To have her sitting at the dinner table, framed by the wall photos of Mum, would be weird, and my grandparents would feel very much imposed upon, despite it being a long 12 years since Mum’s passing. She never gets angry about my father continuing his role as son-in-law. She just does her own thing.
So I guess the purpose of all of ‘this’ is to say, “Thank you”. I would hate for my father to be sitting at home by himself on the weekends. I would hate for him to have no one. But I’d also hate if he had someone who made him ditch his parents-in-law and that family, in preference of theirs, or worse, out of spite or jealousy.
I know it can’t be easy for her, but I’m glad she’s here.
Image Credit: Kathryn Sprigg
She sounds like a good person. Has she read this?
My partner is in the same situation. His mother passed unexpectedly when he was 12, and his father met a nice lady some years later. He tells me that she never was a replacement for his mum nor did she try, and she has become a friend with my partner and his sister, and a loving companion to their dad. She unfortunately also does not get invited to the maternal family’s get-togethers but I also think she probably doesn’t want to be there. It must be such a weird place to be but she seems to have snuggled right into a place where everyone loves her.