I can’t count the number of single friends who have said to me: “Wow. I can’t believe you’re married. You’re so young.”
Or: “I can’t imagine being married.”
Or: “That all seems so far away.”
As far as being “young” goes, I’m definitely no child bride. I’m 27 and got married at 25, which is only a few years younger than average in Australia (the current average is 28 years for females, 29.7 years for males, just by the way).
As to the rest, sometimes I wonder what all the fuss is about. Have I really changed so much now I’m a Mrs? Is my life really so different?
After all, my single friends and I still have a lot in common: we’re around the same age, we work, we have sex, we travel, we have ambitions for ourselves.
Then one of my friends will call me to tell me about her huge night out. Meanwhile, I’m fielding “when are you having a baby?” questions from my stepmother-in-law. In those moments it feels like we inhabit completely different worlds. Whether I like it or not, my life is different to the ‘single gals’ now. And I’m okay with that.
Mostly my friends just seem incredulous that I’ve already “settled down”. There’s always an assumption that by being married I’m “missing out”. Missing out on partying. Missing out on dating. Missing out on the single life.
In a sense they’re right. I’m not partying. I’m not dating. I don’t have a “single life”. But “missing out” implies that I’m missing something, when in reality all that “single stuff” is just not what I’m about anymore.
Different things excite me now. Decorating our house, making lists of the places we’d like to go together, planning for a baby. Yes, we are planning for a bub, even though many of my friends are incredulous that I would even be thinking about a child. The truth is that my husband and I can’t wait to start our family. It seems like the natural next step for us.
This isn’t “missing out”. It’s just being in a different place in life. I didn’t tie the knot and then suddenly feel like I “had” to do all these things. Wanting to do them just…happened.
I think that a lot of people still have a mental image of a wife as a rather matronly woman in a floral apron doing housework and fussing after her husband.
But housework doesn’t just happen when you’re married. Single people do laundry. They dust. They clean toilets. They do all those mundane chores that for some reason are associated with marriage. I cleaned toilets when I was single, too. There was just no one around to witness it (or help out).
As for being a “Mrs”, marriage doesn’t mean sacrificing your sense of self. It’s about compromise. My husband factors into my decisions, as I do into his. But I’m not just “Mrs Rose”. I’m Karen. I have my own life. My husband has his. We do our best to share our lives and support one another. That said. there are bad marriages and good marriages, just like any relationship. It’s in the bad ones that you lose who you are.
And the matronly woman? I’m glad to say that she’s nowhere to be found. I’ve come to realise that being married does not make me un-fun, uninteresting or unsexy. Being married is about sharing your life with another person. Yes, this means sharing all those un-glamorous moments like when you have a bathroom-monopolising stomach bug. But you share all the glamorous moments too.
Sometimes I do struggle with being “all grown up”. Sometimes I have moments where I just go, “Oh my god. I’m married.” Because let’s face it – marriage can be hard. Relationships can be hard. My husband and I have days where we constantly pick at each other because we’re cranky and stressed out. And then there are days when he brings home my favourite foods because I’m sad.
In short, there are ups and there are downs. And of course, marriage comes with obligations. There are visits to in-laws, extended family gatherings, and the knowledge that my plans will always factor in someone else. But I’ve learned to embrace these things because they are part and parcel of having this wonderful person in my life.
I know I can’t simply pick up and move to a tropical island. That’s a freedom I don’t have anymore. But to be honest, I couldn’t be happier. If I’m moving to the tropical island, he’ll be coming too.
So where to from now? Who knows! I’m hoping for grand adventures and looking forward to all the little moments in between (even and especially the unglamorous ones).
