Dating is… what?
Fun? Horrible?
A walk in the park? Something to avoid – like the plague?
Safe to say, it varies. For some, dating is a signal for nerves that never existed before to pop up and cha-cha. All. Night. Long.
For others, dating is a high. It’s exciting – an evening of romance, a future of possibility. Etc. Etc.
Of course, for a rare few, dating is a breeze. And it’s okay to hate these people, just a little.
For everyone else? There is a question that begs to be answered:
Are there ways of smoothing out the dating process? Techniques to heighten the ‘high’ and lower the ‘let’s-avoid-it-like-the-plague’ element?
I’m not talking about your own personal tactics, like:
Never suggest dinner as the sole activity for a first date. He will ask why you suggested it if you’re not hungry. At all. Because your nerves are taking up all your stomach space cha-chaing away.
No, while those little nuggets are without doubt important, I’m talking about dating tips; advice from a professional who has been helping people date for years.
And the answer, you will be relieved to hear, is yes.
Sandy Ewing is a professional dating and life coach in Melbourne, who for 13 years has been advising singles on the dating process, and the best ways to approach it.
It probably won’t come as a surprise to hear that confidence, according to Ms Ewing, plays a key role in helping or hindering a person’s ability to attract.
“The most common difficulties that people experience are often centred around their lack of confidence to approach or be open to being approached,” Ms Ewing says.
“Many people are fearful of rejection and being embarrassed in public.”
But confidence is just one player on the field. Interestingly enough, it is not a lack of dating options that has people stumbling these days, but an abundance of them.
“The underlying difficulty that both genders face,” Ms Ewing says, “even when they do have confidence and good self-belief, is that abundance of dating options.”
She says the many websites, apps and other forms of quick communication, such as texting, means that there are a lot of people “just a click or two away”. However, this abundance presents its own problems.
“This often means there is a lot of competition, a lot of ‘fakeness’ and even somewhat dangerous dating behaviours happening. This can leave many people with feelings of being let down and used, or an unfortunatedip in the self-confidence.”
Tinder, Snapchat, Facebook, dating sites, smartphones – the list of apps, websites and tools for meeting people could go on and on. And with millions of Aussies using these platforms, this ‘abundance’ issue probably isn’t going to go away any time soon.
So what is the right attitude to have when approaching dating in 2014?
According to Ms Ewing, the first step – if you haven’t already taken it – is recognising your own self-worth, which will lead to the confidence to present yourself well. After this, it’s about attitude and perspective.
“We encourage people to keep things in perspective, not to take things too personally in the beginning, as there are a myriad of reasons why someone may not respond to an approach, or not want a second date.
“Why torture yourself when it is more likely something in their own circumstances or level of self-esteem that is causing them to disconnect?”
It’s an interesting concept, and definitely something to keep in mind – you know, when obsessing over the amount of time it takes a guy (or girl) to get in contact after a first date. And then jumping to conclusions about said amount of time and what it means, exactly.
In terms of attitude, Ms Ewing says it’s important to give off the right signals – to be “playful and in rapport” with those around you.
“Guys can certainly win over a girl if they are playful and vice versa,” Ms Ewing says.
“This is a great common denominator that works well.”
However, she argues that men and women do have different mindsets when it comes to dating. Men in general live more in the moment than women, who think longer term – which isn’t always beneficial.
“It isn’t helpful for women to do this at all, when simply going out and socializing. Their body language will broadcast their inner thoughts and that is a turn off to many men.”
Interestingly enough, Ms Ewing says she does not encourage women to approach men.
“We encourage our female clients to ensure they are positive, having fun, no agendas, and giving out open and welcoming flirting signals so that the guys know that it is ok to approach. We definitely don’t encourage girls to approach. It can work, but it can cause the dynamics to be imbalanced, leaving guys not really knowing how to handle things from there.”
So what is the recipe for a successful date? Are there any strict rules to follow – aside from the obvious, like remembering your date’s name?
Well, in terms of rules, Ms Ewing says there aren’t really any.
But don’t panic.
“Rules often go out the window at any rate when the head or heart is going crazy after a first date,” she explains. “It is far better to be fully attentive, reading the signals and listening well when you are on a first or second date.
“If you did pay attention you are more likely to know when it is a good idea to text or call.”
And, like any other skill – practice, practice, practice.
“It is definitely a skill that can be improved with practice,” Ms Ewing says.
“We need dating experience to know who is right for us and who isn’t, at any rate. As a dating and life coach, I will always ensure that a client (male or female) knows themselves well, and what they want before they start the dating phase. The dates feel more natural this way.”
A natural date? Now that’s something to cha-cha about.