Like most people, many in my social sphere have experienced divorce or separation.
Each couple has a unique and personal story to tell of love, joy, heartbreak and pain. However, two couples that I know truly represent the polar opposites of the spectrum when it comes to relationship breakdowns.
Amicable Separation
The first couple – let’s call them Chris and Julie – appeared to be the perfect couple. Despite coming from drastically different ethnic and cultural backgrounds, to which they were each very attached and committed, they shared a deep love, respect and understanding. While Chris and Julie did indeed honour each other’s traditions, when it came time to think about children, cracks began to appear. Both wanted to bring any future children up in their own culture. Unable to reach a compromise that made either happy, they each retreated more and more to their roots. Eventually, they simply realised that they were moving in different directions.
As much as they loved each other, they understand that they were unfortunately no longer compatible. One night, after pouring out their souls to each other, the cried, embraced and made the excruciating decision to see one of the leading divorce lawyers in Melbourne specialising in collaborative separation. The process went smoothly and amicably, as neither had any interest in hurting each other.
There were no children involved, a relatively small asset pool and, most importantly, two caring individuals committed to getting through a difficult process with the minimum of pain. After filing their divorce papers in court, they went out for coffee together, shared one last warm hug, turned away and moved on with their lives. Today, they are both remarried to wonderful people who share their commitment and family goals and are exceptionally happy.
Battle Ground
Gary and Eliana did not fare quite as well.
Within six months of marriage, the couple were in therapy trying desperately to salvage a doomed relationship. There were few if any things that the two saw eye-to-eye upon. The tension between them was palpable, and before too long, many of us that knew them were regularly discussing when, not if, the end would come.
Five years and four marriage counsellors later, the marriage in tatters, Gary took the kids with him and left. Incensed, Eliana hired the most aggressive bulldog of a divorce lawyer she could find, and the gloves were emphatically off. They couple spent the next two years slugging it out in the courts. Tens of thousands of dollars were spent, countless accusations and slanders were cast, and each did everything that they could to destroy the other.
The traumatic experience cost Gary his job and almost his sanity.
Eliana, who came from a wealthy family, did little else but devise new and excruciating ways to make Gary’s life utterly miserable. With no compromise or respect on either side, the matter ended in a trial, where two sets of lawyers got rich trying to squeeze as much as they could out of the other. Today, neither Gary nor Eliana is repartnered. Their two children have suffered greatly, and they spend their time exchanging abusive emails and texts regarding such earth-shattering crises as missing pairs of girls’ socks and school library bags.
Learning the Lessons
Not every couple can be like Chris and Julie.
However, that certainly does not mean that they need to be like Gary and Eliana. Some couples run into hurdles that they are simply unable to overcome. Others bring what might have otherwise been successful partnerships to an end due to undesirable behaviours such as infidelity, family violence or substance abuse. Others still find that over time they simply grow so emotionally and physically detached that they have lost whatever love they once had.
Whatever the case, it is crucial that couples remember that at one point they did love each other enough to marry. No matter how they feel about each other now, if they can try to find that empathy that sees their former partner as someone that they once cared about, rather than as the enemy, they can save themselves enormous amounts of suffering, financial loss and pain.