101 Ways to Survive*

101 ways to survive Christmas*

*Or 36 ideas to keep in mind this festive season.

In no particular order…

1. Alcohol. I know it’s bad to put this as number one but it’s the first thing I think of. A little bit makes it bearable. A lot erases the whole thing. (Drink responsibly!)
2. Festive Spirit. I think this is something that wanes as you get older, then comes back when there are young kids around. This could be my first year of waning. I have no tree. Fake it.
3. Questions. When various aunts and uncles and grandmothers question when you might be getting married, invent a significant other. It’s easier than explaining the man drought.
4. Food Babies. Do not eat so much your family and friends question if you should be drinking. Christmas is a good excuse to eat good stuff. Not too much stuff. (Eat responsibly!)
5. The Clean-Up. If you have ever been around for the clean-up, you will remember most people disappear just in time. Book a restaurant for lunch. Easy peasy.
6. The Outfit. Christmas is a special occasion, like a wedding. Do not wear tracksuit pants to Christmas lunch. Think Sunday best. If you wouldn’t wear it church, put it back on the floor.
7. Presents. Shopping at Christmas time sucks. There are too many people, too many ideas (or not enough) and it’s not a pleasant experience. Do this as far in advance as possible.
8. Online. Doing the gift buying online rocks. You avoid number 7. However most (all) online outlets will not deliver on December 24^th. Start now. Like right NOW.
9. Candy Canes. I don’t actually like candy canes but they are ESSENTIAL for every household. I don’t have a tree. I do have candy canes – draped strategically on some decorative bamboo in my living room.
10. Dining Etiquette. It’s called a knife and fork. Use it.
11. Designated Drivers. It appears taxis are in short supply this year. Pack the flat shoes or rock paper scissors who gets to drive. DO NOT walk home in suede heels. The walk will wreck them.
12. Kris Kringle. If the limit says $20, spend $20. Not $30, or $14.95 or $2 and try and pass it off as $20. You know who you are.
13. Work Christmas Parties. If I have to explain this, you need more help than I can give you. Behave.
14. Wrapping. There is nothing worse than a badly wrapped gift. It says a lot about what’s inside. Most shopping centres have a wrapping service. Use it.
15. Beauty Appointments. You can’t expect to call your hairdresser/manicurist/wax person 2 days before Christmas and get an appointment. Plan these things.
16. Children. The little people are a necessary evil at Christmas. Smile and maybe a bit of their cheer will rub off on you.
17. Christmas Cards. Common courtesy says you should send these on December 1^st,  but who has time to be that prepared? Just make sure you send them to those you receive from.
18. Ummm…. So you don’t like a gift? Smile, say thank you and re-gift later.
19. Christmas Films. I actually really like these. A recent article in The Age counted Die Hard as one of the top Christmas films. I like that thinking.
20. Light Up. Putting lights on your house? Make sure your ambulance cover is up to date and health insurance paid up. Enjoy.
21. New Recipes. Now is not the time to get your MasterChef on. Go with tried and tested when cooking for 30.
22. Chairs. It’s impossible to get 30 chairs that match for Christmas lunch. The obsessive compulsive in me can’t stand this. The fact that my table matches and has a theme makes it all so much better.
23. Hot/Cold. I live in Melbourne. Who can tell if it will be hot or cold? Plan to eat inside either way and serve drinks and canapés outside to start if it’s warm. Problem solved.
24. Air Conditioning. On that note, if you are hosting Christmas lunch for 30, install and/or buy some form of air conditioning now. 30 people in a 45 degree house with ovens running makes for a LONG day.
25. The Nanna Nap. Exceptions are made on Christmas day for nanna naps. All ages apply.
26. Waking Hours. If you live with kids, you will understand their body clocks have some kind of ‘daylight savings’ reaction on Christmas Day. Install block out blinds and a digital clock and advise no one may leave the room until 8:00.
27. Jokes. Bad cracker jokes are a part of the day. Laugh anyway.
28. BBQs. A thoroughly modern way to do Christmas. Not good if there is no gas left in your bottle. Check.
29. Sticky Tape and Batteries. It seems a large number of parents forget these fairly essential Christmas commodities. Rest assured 7 Eleven and service stations stock both. And are open 24 hours.
30. Boxing Day Sales. An essential calendar note for any shopper. If you don’t like number 7, don’t bother.  I don’t want to see you on the news that night whingeing about the crowds. Boxing Day is for the professionals.
31. A Visit with Santa. Some kids don’t like the old guy. Don’t force it. When they make the-old-guy-brings-the-presents-connection, they’ll come to the party and you’ll get your photo.
32. Smile. Christmas is hard/busy/stressful/painful for most people. Smile in sympathy at strangers in the street and the world will smile with you.
33. Carols. I know malls have been playing carols since they put away the Easter Eggs and we are all sick of it. Put in your iPod headphones and shop in blissful ignorance. Added bonus – avoid the spruikers!
34. The Sensibles. Some people lose these in December, only to have them return mid-January when it’s too late. Do not drink drive. Do not start a fight with your husband/boyfriend/wife/sister/mother/girlfriend/bestfriend/brother/father/dog/boss/other. Do not eat until you feel ill. Do not stay home from work with a hangover. Do not even think about skipping the gym during this important time. And drunk tattoos are never a good idea.
35. Mobile Phones. It’s rude to check your mobile at the table. At the bar. During any conversation with any person. If you are that desperate, go to the loo. And not so often that people think you’ve had some bad eggnog. Christmas is a time for real people.
36. Love. At the end of the day, Christmas is about family, friends and getting together. It sometimes pays to remember this above all the commercialism.

Okay – I’m all out. Merry Christmas Onya Readers! I’d love to hear what your Christmas survival tips are… I need about 65 more to make 101. Get commenting!

Image Credit: Sandi Sieger

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