When it comes to enjoying partnered and solo sex, most of us need a bit of lead time. The secret to deeply satisfying sex and masturbation is investing in your turn-on and arousal.
Arousal is everything when it comes to how you experience sex.
But how do you turn yourself on?
Well, there’s a bit of an art to it. Let’s talk about it.
First, consider your turn-offs: arousal begins in the brain
The art of turning yourself on begins with analyzing anything that could be turning you off. Mass media would have us believe we should all be keen on having sex all of the time, but that is not how arousal works for most of us.
For some, we may have the mental desire, but our bodies don’t react in alignment. (This is called arousal discordance.) And there are a lot of reasons for this.
Sex researcher and author Emily Nagoski says that happenings in our everyday lives might hinder our arousal “accelerator” and push on our arousal “brakes.” This is because the brain dutifully notices reasons NOT to be aroused and our body responds to this.
So before you start pushing your sexual go-go accelerator, take a moment to consider anywhere you’ve pumped the brakes.
- A simple “brake” might be your environment. If you don’t feel secure and safe in your environment you might have a hard time getting fully aroused.
- You might also have a considerable burden of stress or anxiety on your shoulders that can hold back your turn-on.
- You might not feel grounded in your body.
- Or you could be feeling like something is wrong because you’re not turned on enough— that’s a real mood killer.
If your mind is distracted or burdened, arousal can be difficult to conjure.
Nagoski, the researcher who coined the “accelerator and brake” arousal analogy, says to identify your brakes and their contexts. This will help you mitigate your turn-offs and enhance your turn-ons.
Discover the unique language of your arousal
Now, let’s lean into what you know feels good.
Arousal often happens in response and context. Think of some of the best sexual experiences of your life and consider what is going on.
- How was your mental health?
- What fantasy were you imagining?
- Were you feeling valued, desired, and safe?
- What was going on in your life?
- How was your body image?
- What parts of your body felt best?
- What brought you the most pleasure? (stimulation, smells, emotions)
Once you answer questions like this, you’ll discover the language of your unique turn-on.
Then, begin to speak this language as you approach any type of sex.
Now the fun stuff — How to turn yourself on
Now that we’re past anything that could slow down your turn-on, let’s get into some fantastic ways to explore your arousal.
#1 Try orgasmic breathwork
When seeking a deep arousal state, look to the breath.
Oftentimes, when we are reaching for an orgasm, we clench our bodies and restrict our breath. But this is the opposite of what you want to do.
Mindful breathing is the doorway to our body. Deep, rhythmic breathing has been shown to increase arousal and deepen orgasms.
To turn yourself on, try out orgasmic breathwork.
- Relax your body, lay down on your back with your hands on your tummy.
- Breathe slowly into your stomach and relax your shoulders and abdomen.
- As you do this, try to imagine sending your breath to areas of the body–your breasts, vulva, penis, or your hips. You may find that this alone is arousing.
If you feel good, try slowly masturbating in this relaxed and meditative state. Keep your attention on your breath. Don’t clench. Don’t push for an orgasm, just explore your pleasure – come what may.
#2 Ground yourself with loving-touch
Grounding yourself in the now moment and laying hands on your own body can be very activating for arousal.
Whip out some vella pleasure serum or massage oil and slowly explore your body.
Many of us get stuck in our heads, which complicates arousal and sex. Try getting out of the mind and rest your full attention on your physical body and environment.
This grounding massage can bring you closer to your senses and give arousal some context. The body is the pleasure playground after all.
Arouse your mind
Some of us are visually stimulated, and some of us are mentally stimulated. Try arousing your mind –it’s a powerful thing.
Dip into the world of your fantasies, simply imagine being stimulated in a way you enjoy, or read some sexy erotica. These all stimulate the pleasure centers of our brains and get us in the mood.
Try vibrators & other sex toys
Finally, turn the volume up on your physical stimulation.
Try classic vibrators, clit suckers, dildos, remote control vibes, and grind pads — the list is endless. You don’t need to invest in a giant toy chest but explore a few to amplify arousal.
Studies have shown that those who regularly use sex toys can increase their baseline libido and genital sensitivity. This might be due to vibrators increasing blood flow, an essential component of arousal.
Vibrators and sex toys aren’t silly indulgences, they are sexual wellness tools that can help us bridge gaps and enhance sexual functioning.
The bottom line
Some folks can get turned on at the drop of a hat. While the rest of us need some build-up time. If you are finding yourself struggling to get fully aroused for partnered or solo sex, explore what might be hindering your arousal. Sometimes we don’t need to add more and more stimulation, instead, we need internal or external barriers unblocked.
Turning yourself on is a unique experience that will look different for everyone. After some time exploring you’ll find exactly what lights your fire –then, lean into that.