Although this is meant to be a political column, I want to talk about something probably more important in the current consciousness of Australians; food. Tofu, specifically. Why tofu? My father, a budding Masterchef extraordinaire if he could ever bring himself to audition and be deprived of being able to spectate (and how – its popularity does take precedence over points of public policy these days, was a whiz at making tofu half-way edible. Tofu, at its essence, hasn’t got a lot going for it. Its flavor is minimal, appears bland and is comprised of more water than any solid substance. Tofu, even if you pair it with exciting ingredients – is always pushed to the background and in very rare cases (unless you’re a vegetarian or vegan – then tofu is your entire world in terms of protein) is ever the star of the culinary show.
Thus we have ourselves the Tofu election campaign.
Let’s take Iron Chef, the Japanese cooking program that is more WWE Raw than Ready Steady Cook. The three (or in later series, four) Iron Chefs have their own specialties, Chinese, French, Japanese and Italian. Iron Chef Chinese, Chen Kenichi was renowned for making the best Szechuan cuisine that was styled the “Szechuan Sage.” Most importantly his signature dish was the Ma Po Tofu – an inferno of chili, pork and tofu flavors. On the face of it, we have an election campaign that is much like this Ma Po Tofu. We can instantly taste Prime Minister Gillard and Opposition Leader Abbott decrying one another for salacious policies – the spectre of WorkChoices haunting Abbott and the bungled Resource Profit Super Tax as a pink elephant in the room for Gillard – as the spice which dominates the palate. Then we have the noodles – thin and wiry election slogans seemingly cooked up by a bunch of happy-go-lucky tabloid newspaper sub-editors. The Coalition’s “Action Contract” and Labor’s equally verbose “Moving Forward” that can both be summed up in 140 characters or less, perfect for tweeting. Eden-Monaro as the bellwether seat? If a pro-Labor tweet is ever retweeted by a hard-core Liberal supporter and vice-versa, then we can pretty much call the election there and then. (#tofulection, anyone?)
Then we turn our attention, lastly, to the policy – the tofu in this case. So far, we have bland, down-the-middle policy that panders to everyone yet no one in particular. It seems we’ve never recovered from the Hansonite hangover – we still believe that an abstract gravitational imperative – whomever is impoverished or desperate in the North will almost certainly strive settle downward, overrunning our hapless Great Southern Land and irrevocably change our “way of life.” Boundless plains to share? Well, sort of – if it’s sustainable and doesn’t impede on economic growth somehow. (We’ll figure it out after everyone’s stopped asking us questions about it.) Abbott and the Coalition are committed to turning back the 3000 or so asylum seekers that arrive on boats – but both remain seemingly reticent on turning back the 50,000 strong hordes of English and American backpackers who overstay their visas and work in call centers, or that illegal immigration as a whole is on the decline since 2001. Oh sorry, was that too flavorsome for the campaign already? My bad.
That’s fine though – you can’t really compress complex immigration statistics into a tweet. It’s why the ABC now runs its News 24 service. Twitter? Facebook? So 2007. Now we need our pollies to look good, kiss babies and be on message every hour, on the hour. Tweets signed “KRudd” are dead-on tofu message; he’s currently “doing normal things like shopping.” (It turns out Kevin’s a lousy shopper. Go figure.) You can’t do normal things like shop or, I don’t know – add meat to the policy tofu when ABC News 24 come knocking. It’s just not good PR.
Talking about PR, we have to turn our attention to the unabashed Martian Tony Abbott. He’s never exactly been a ladies’ man when it comes to wooing their vote. So he’s trundled out his wife Margie in the vain hope that he can conjure up a sort of Hillary Clinton effect, counteracting the actual feminine touch that the PM can actually lend to the job. Even so, her right-wing detractors still rub their eyes in disbelief at Ms. Gillard’s womanhood when they can’t see a ring on her finger. Or Bible clutched between her hands. Are we sure that Abbott isn’t campaigning to succeed Menzies? Surely he’s not that far removed from the present day and age – he, along with Julia Gillard are proudly and unashamedly serving us their boiled tofu – and funnily enough, they’re expecting us to eat it.
Tom Valcanis gained his BA in Political Science from the University of Melbourne. He is studying for his MA in Media and Communication which merely enables him communicate his constant irritation with politics more effectively. You can follow him on Twitter here.
