Kids of all ages can get caught up in the idea of perfection and instant gratification and success. These are impossible to have, yet kids can feel as though they are essential for happiness. The reality is that in order to learn anything you need to make mistakes and learn and grow through trial and error.
Unfortunately, not being able to maintain perfect and immediate results feels like a failure to some, which can go on to cause stress, anxiety and feelings of hopelessness, either in certain situations, or throughout your child’s entire day.
It is possible to teach your child to see past their “failures” and find life lessons that are rewarding and motivating so that they can dust off and keep on going, no matter what.
What is Resilience?
Resilience is the ability to make a new plan, try a new solution or keep going when things are difficult. It’s about having the motivation, determination and inner strength to make things better through your actions.
Nothing is certain, in fact, life is pretty much guaranteed to not go to plan, the trick is to see this as a benefit, not a hindrance by asking:
- What new doors have opened?
- What can we learn?
- Where can we go that’s better than our original plan?
- Who can I turn to to help me?
In life, the important successes don’t exist in getting what you want or doing things well, but trusting that it’s okay to mess up, knowing that things aren’t always pretty and giving it your all to get to the next challenge and see what the experience brings.
Where Does Resilience Come From?
Resilience is all about perception. If a child perceives their efforts and lack of immediate success as failure, they will become discouraged, lose confidence and quit their tasks.
If this happens frequently, a child can start to build beliefs about their ability, thinking:
- I’m not smart enough
- I’m not brave enough
- I’m not good enough
These beliefs can go on to impact decisions later in life too, having them quit before giving something a real go, further depleting their self-esteem and reinforcing that negative belief that they can’t achieve their goals.
While some of this comes from a child’s natural temperament and personality, a large chunk of resilience comes from life experiences and what a child learns through listening and watching others.
How to Build Resilience in Children
One important thing parents can do to build resilience in children is give their kids more responsibility. While it can feel like good parenting to help your kids out, most of the time it’s better to let them find their own solution. Rather than jump in and solve a problem, give them your full attention, show understanding and empathy for what they are going through and leave them to fix it themselves. You can help brainstorm some options and offer some positives, but let them do most of the work (depending on the child’s age).
Asking the right questions is a great way to switch your child’s brain over to problem-solving strategies rather than dwelling on the issue or emotion. It’s shifting them to the glass half full approach. Think about how empowering and rewarding phrases like these can be:
- That must feel terrible. What can you do to change that feeling or situation into something better?
- I see what you mean. Even though you can’t control (X), what is there that you can control?
- That’s right. I wonder what you might like to do/change to get a better result next time?
- That didn’t go to plan. Can you think of anything you can still learn out of this?
- Who can you ask to help you with what you need?
This doesn’t mean your child will never feel stressed or anxious, but they will be able to think of ways to make their situation better and get to where they need to be rather than feel beaten down by circumstance.
It’s important to recognise when to seek help from a qualified therapist for a child to get back on track and move forward.
