Very rarely is there a clean divorce. More often than not, it gets a little ugly. There is a deep well of negative Emotions that can, if uncontrolled, bubble to the surface. It’s bad enough when two people decide to get a divorce. It can be even worse if there are children involved. This doesn’t have to be the case. There are ways one can consciously act and support children throughout the complex and often visceral process of a divorce. Here are six ways you can help children cope with such an event.
Reassure Them That They’re Loved
The most important thing that children need to know is that they are loved. That should be anchored in from the beginning. The legal team at Mevorah Law says that everything that is going on, No matter how strange to them, has to be presented with the backdrop that they are loved by both parties. It may be hard to explain, but showing love and affection, through your usual means of doing so, is so important.
Don’t Lie
Don’t lie to the kids. Don’t tell them that this is nothing. They have to understand, although early and painful, what is going on. Sugarcoating the situation only makes it worse. This situation often yields a negative thought bubble in the child’s head, which ultimately leads to “I have been lied to.” The resentment factor is already potentially high. Do not add to it.
Have a Physical Backup for the Child
Throughout the situation, one always needs back up. Both sides should ideally have a sibling or a trusted family friend that can cover if necessary. This is so that the child is cared for and with somebody in case one party or both are caught up in another thing entirely. Be sure that it is someone that the child already knows and is comfortable with the person. It’s better to tell your child: “either I or your aunt is going to be able to pick you up” rather than apologize for disappointing them.
Don’t Fight in Front of Them
Don’t fight in front of your kids. This may be hard, especially in tight, and close spaces. But as much as possible, do not let the vitriol of your words reach your child. Not only does this anchor in the notion that something very bad is happening, but it will also force the child immediately to choose sides. Often, when we fight, our logic is set to win, not reason. We cannot let our children latch onto that.
Don’t Make Them Worry
Children worry about their parents. There is a natural want to protect and be a part of their parents’ lives. If one parent has to part ways, do so with a smile. This lets the child know that they don’t have to worry. Anchor that notion. You’re not going anywhere, you will be around, just not as often as before.
Let Them Express Their Frustrations
Let your child be mad. Everybody else is coping with a strange and negative situation. They are allowed to be upset. Let them express that. Yes, it may be added pressure, dealing with an angry child, but they are just as entitled to feel as you are.
There are things that fall through the cracks in any divorce. There is no perfect answer or a perfect situation that would make a child “okay”. The only thing you can do is stick to these basic principles, and keep your child in mind the way you would have regardless of the divorce.