This is 40.
When I wrote an article about being 30, my first port of call was to read as many write-ups as I could by other 30 year olds. Clearly forgetting how bad I felt about myself the last time I did that, this time around it appears that literally every single one of those 40 somethings have their lives’ so together I am going to need a twenty minute break to drink straight from a Hendricks bottle.
Hold that thought.
I’m back.
Speaking of booze, turning 40 means you really do strike up a completely different relationship with alcohol.
Many say, hangovers can seem worse. These people (let’s call them “quitters”), adopt ridiculous attitudes like not drinking during the week, and only save alcohol for “special occasions”. They deserve a pounding headache, only children’s Panadol that’s almost empty, and at least 3-6 hours of vomiting.
At this age, no one can judge you no matter what time of day you have a drink in your hand. We’re reaching big milestones and experiencing huge life events, so in short, no one is the boss of you. Job promotion? Where’s the Veuve. Kids being assholes? Hello Chardonnay in a cup at the park. Traumatised by Opi dying in Sons of Anarchy, and it’s only 9.43am in the morning? Gin and tonic it is.
40 is the new 30. Age is just a number.
What a lovely thought. But just so you know there’s people out there who are going to call you “Ma’am” or tell you “I hope I look as good as you when I get that old”. They are stealth, and they will come at you when you least expect it. While there is absolutely no malice in their comments, you should feel free to slap those people.
You enter a different time zone.
You suddenly realise that 9pm onwards can be used for sleep. Seen though you only got six hours sleep for your entire 20’s and part of your 30’s, you embrace going to bed at a similar time to primary school children – and you may even get up before sunrise. TO EXERCISE. Not to sneak in with one shoe in your hand, after asking the cab driver if he can give you a piggy back to the door because you think you may have pulled a hammy from a dance off.*
*While I completely endorse the early night, I do not encourage purchasing a leather recliner. They are both unattractive and a silly idea.
Dress however you want.
Rock your style. Unless it’s like Madonna at The Met Gala. While I love fishnet tights, I draw the line at assless leather bodysuits.
Facebook can be more than just selfies and likes.
Such as when you were counting how many Kardashians you saw during your trip to The Hamptons, some of the friends you graduated with have children who have also graduated. Some, wait for it, may even be grandparents. That stuff will blow your mind.
People also divorce, and with separation comes the need for them to really give the ex-husband they’ve deleted and blocked, a passive aggressive piece of their mind. These can come in the form of memes stating how happy they are, memes stating how unhappy they used to be, a status update claiming victory as if they’re just won the presidential election and/or The Ashes, and it will always be topped off with a fairly slutty profile picture.
You’re not over the hill.
I don’t even know where that phrase came from, but I’m guessing they may be the parents of those girls who told me they want to look as good as me when they get old. If you’re past your prime once you’re over 40, I shudder to think what Hugh Hefner would have been like at 38. Turning 40 is the part where you shed the guilt about all the mistakes you made in your 20’s and 30’s, and become comfortable with possibly never really growing up.
You should all know that it’s very easy to shed guilt when social media wasn’t around in 1992.
You have less drama, but find a voice.
Fingers crossed, losing sleep over personality clashes with co-workers or public spats with your boyfriend may disappear entirely.
Unfortunately I can’t guarantee that if a really annoying child in a supermarket starts throwing a tantrum, you won’t walk past the Mother and tell her how enjoyable it’s been hearing her child scream for 20 minutes, and you wish you had have come up with the idea to give them a packet of stickers and big fucking Freddo Frog.
You should be able to count your close friends on one hand.
If you live in a village that has a population of five people. There are no rules about how many friends you should have, and I don’t just say that because I am very, very popular.
Hopefully you’ll speak to people who say hello to you when you put yourself in new situations like airports, cafes, dog parks, schools and exercise groups – because some of them will be the best people you’ll ever meet. You may reconnect with old school friends, old lovers (if they’ve kept their looks), friends you swore you’d never talk to again, and people who need you because of devastating tragedy (or vice versa).
Don’t believe the hype.
The best way to be happy when it comes to anyone telling you you’ll start to slow down, you can’t have a baby, you’ll find it hard to keep off weight and you’ll have more aches and pains – is to stick your head firmly in the sand. Block out any of that noise with stuff that will guarantee you’ll never know what any of those things mean. Like meditation. Half marathons. Dating someone half your age. Or plastic surgery.
Self acceptance takes over in the wake of massive failure.
Fat. Skinny. Married. Single. Rich. Broke. Despite all of this, you have permission to be happy wherever you are and whatever you’re doing. Often something utterly devastating may have happened to get you get to that point, but at the end of it, you’ll really be you. Please don’t chase me down the street if that’s not the case.
Someone once told me that after they lost everything in business, the success they achieved the second time around was so different because they finally understood what life was really about. I’ve never forgotten that, because things I never thought possible happened to me – and you’ll be just fine if it happens to you, too. 40 is just the beginning.
“When you’re 20 you care what everyone thinks, when you’re 40 you stop caring what everyone thinks, when you’re 60 you realise no one was ever thinking about you in the first place. You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.”
— Winston Churchill
